I Sit And WATCH!!!!!

I press the call button. 
It took a lot of effort for this small action. A lot of convincing myself.
A lot of delicate analysis of the various possible consequences, of this small action.
The sound of the first ring reaches my ears through the cellular device, and I close my eyes as a familiar feeling of dread slowly grips me. 
What will I say to you, if you decide to take this call? What do I have to share that may interest you, or at least make you curious enough to not hang up immediately?

I imagine you sitting in your chair, sipping your tea. 
And your phone flashes my name on its screen.
I imagine the expression on your face, and I already regret the decision of calling.
But there’s no turning back now, because missed calls are just cheap.
I simply cannot let you think that I’m cheap. Uninteresting, maybe, but not cheap.



I remember how it used to upset me when you wouldn’t take my calls.
I laugh to myself at how, now, I don’t want you to pick up the call anyway.
How things change. The only thing that hasn’t changed is that I’m still calling.
One might think that I’m in a sort of win-win situation.
Whether you pick up or not, I won’t be disappointed.

I’m calling you simply out of habit now, and out of the same habit, I know that when the expected will happen, I will be taken by at least a few moments of hurt.



These little doses of hurt that you give me, I know neither how to avenge them, nor to continue to ignore them.
So, I displace.
I can still remember you teaching me what displacing is.
These, are my practical lessons then, and you are still my teacher.

Now when people call me, I just silence the rings and, in the quiet, watch my phone flash the names of callers.
I just sit here in my chair, sip my tea, and watch.